Investigative Reporter

Aliases: John Cocktosten, Mr. Poon, Arnold Babar

I'll have a steak sandwich...and a steak sandwich

Signer of the Declaration of Independence

Associate Justice of the Supreme Court

Represented: Maryland

Austrian Archaeologist

Discoverer of the Man Scrolls

Really digs this website

Uncle Shelby

Location: Where the Sidewalk Ends

Best Song: A Boy Named Sue

Modernist Architect

Writer, atheist, name changer

Notable work: Notre-Dame-du-Haut

A Horse is a Horse

Of course, of course

He's a friggin talking horse!

Enigmatic Blood-Sucking Cryptid

Diet: Goats, assorted livestock

Doesn't get out as much as he should

WWII German Field Marshal

Also known as: The Desert Fox

Crucial battle lost: Normandy

Ancient Latin Orator

Name meaning: Chickpea

Nemesis: Marc Antony

Arcade Game Character

Dislikes: Apparitions

Clearly malnourished

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Color: Purple

Game, blouses.

Donnie Baseball

New York, NY

Fictional Sailor Man

Trademark tattoo: Anchor

Tonic: Spinach

Slow-witted Yeti

AKA: Bumble

Least Favorite Movie: An Inconvenient Truth

Great White Whale

Nemesis: Captain Ahab

A metaphor for life, man

It's a trap!

Race: Mon Calamari

Force: Rebel Alliance

The Magical Car

Key abilities: Flight, floatation

Nemesis: Baron Bomburst, tyrant of Vulgaria

Loyal Spanish Noble

Defended Tarifa from the Moors and Portuguese

Immortalized by a Madrid Metro station

Gordon Shumway!

Diet: Cats

Intergalactic flame: Rhonda

The Personification of Time

Profound similarities to Grim Reaper

Last seen: Late night with Mother Nature

God of Wine

Represented the benefits of intoxication

Greek name: Dionysus

King of the Huns

Primary foe: Roman Empire

Reputation: Subjective

Enlightenment Philosopher

Didn't do anything of note till age 40

His ideas are Rousseau hot right now

Gordon Bombay

Notable films: Young Guns, Breakfast Club

True surname: Sheen

Long-Lost Fourth Manning Brother

Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Major: Philosophy

Mythical Ape-Man

Also known as: Sasquatch

Cousin: Yetti

Master of the Basepaths

Never takes the extra bag

Currently on 1st and 2nd

Cancerous Character

Enjoys: One good spliff

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

Mythical Founder of Rome

Sustenance: She-wolf succoring

Overshadowed: Remus

Diminutive Scandinavian

Expert on: Golf, Auto Racing, Fishing, Baseball

Height: Roughly 4 ft.

Age of Empires Unit

Nationality: British

Cost: 35 wood, 40 gold

Leader of the Chinese Communist Party 1949-1976

Fashion victim

What Chinese cats get from chasing mice...

1980s Rock Icon

Hits: Pink Houses, Jack and Diane

Cougar dropped: 1991

The Man with the Axe

Inspiration: Caesar Augustus

Favorite Poker Hand: Follow the Queens

Weekly World News Star

Has his own hit musical

Surprisingly can't get a job for a baseball team

Robin the Chicken-Hearted

Steer: Coconut Shells

Capital of Assyria: Unknown

The Sage of Anacostia

Abolitionist, author, orator, statesman

Inspiring tale of perseverance

Not-so-serious Minister of the Afterlife

Enjoys: Golf, Edward James Olmos

Maintain. Come on, Death. You can do this.

Muscle-Cramping Equus ferus

Will strike your calf without remorse

First victim: Earth-bearing Atlas

Bernie Bernie

Ohhh yeah, how you can throw

We gotta go: Super Bowl

The Sun God

Deity status: Omnipotent

Later merged with: Amun

Born British, fought American, surrendered French

Statues of His Right Leg in Saratoga: 1

Overrated Egg Dishes Not Named After: 1

Master of the Self-Evident

Quick to point out something you probably knew

Works for most corporations

Ancient Greek Javelin Champion

Record distance: 19.5 akainas

Subject of Manicles' Man Scrolls

Sakan King

Leader of the Pointed Cap Wearers

Defeated by Persian King Darius I

Pope Responsible for the Great Schism

Bright idea: Moving the Vatican to France

Also found time to suppress the Knights Templar

Fictional Egg Man

Sat on a wall

Was let down by all the king's horses and all the king's men

Prince of Denmark

Bad habit: Regicide

A bit touched in the head

Lord Protector of England

Reign: 1653-1658

Government: Commonwealth

That...weird guy from Conan O'Brien's show?

Not that...jackass who interrupts all the time?

He's the...absolute worst?