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The Masturbating Bear Captain  Obvious
The Ranking: 1 - 50
  Aesop1st
AesopPoints: 1173 Last Day: +90

Fabled Fabler

Animal Allegory Animal

Lost Fable: Acidophylous and the Timid Tapeworm

Archie Goodwin2nd
Archie GoodwinPoints: 1162 Last Day: +63

Detective, Nero Wolfe's Right Hand Man

Job: Note Taker, Heart Breaker

Oddity: Prefers Milk to Bourbon

William Butler Yeats3rd
William Butler YeatsPoints: 1155 Last Day: +111

Twentieth Century Poet

Penchant for the occult. Lovely tower property.

"But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you."

Ickle Me4th
Ickle MePoints: 1152 Last Day: +51

The Captain

Conveyance: Flying Shoe

In-flight Meal: Mulligan Stew

James Polk5th
James PolkPoints: 1149 Last Day: +103

11th U.S. President

Party: Democratic

Campaign slogan: Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!

Osiris6th
OsirisPoints: 1141 Last Day: +90

Lord of the Dead and Rebirth

Wrap: Mummy

Accessories: Crook and Flail

Vasco da Gama7th
Vasco da GamaPoints: 1135 Last Day: +80

Portuguese Navigator

Route chartered: Europe to India

Craft: Sao Gabriel

Abraham Lincoln8th
Abraham LincolnPoints: 1132 Last Day: +30

16th U.S. President

Personal Demons: Many

Fateful show: Our American Cousin

Marco Polo9th
Marco PoloPoints: 1132 Last Day: +75

Venetian Explorer

Inventor of modern swimming pool game

Embellished tales: Nearly all

Spiro  Agnew10th
Spiro AgnewPoints: 1130 Last Day: +73

39th Vice President of the United States

Sneakiest Four Syllables in Washington

High crime and(or) misdemeanor: Tax evasion

Zeus11th
ZeusPoints: 1129 Last Day: -9

King of the Gods

Favorite Weapon: Lightening Bolt

Favorite Hobby: Philanderering

G.I.  Joe12th
G.I. JoePoints: 1126 Last Day: -3

A Real American Hero

Headquarters: The Pit

Nemesis: COBRA

John F Kennedy13th
John F KennedyPoints: 1126 Last Day: +25

35th U.S. President

Statesman and Playboy

Fiasco: Bay of Pigs

Teddy Roosevelt14th
Teddy RooseveltPoints: 1126 Last Day: +88

26th U.S. President

Cavalry regiment: Rough Riders

Trusts busted: Countless

Vitruvian  Man15th
Vitruvian ManPoints: 1124 Last Day: -65

World renowned drawing by Leonardo da Vinci

Study of the proportions of the (male) human bod

On display at Gallerie dell Accademia in Venice

John  Adams16th
John AdamsPoints: 1118 Last Day: +67

2nd U.S. President

Self-loathing Federalist

The Colossus of Independence

Richard M. Nixon17th
Richard M. NixonPoints: 1118 Last Day: +61

37th U.S. President

Only President to resign from office

Brought down by the Watergate scandal

Ambrose Everett Burnside18th
Ambrose Everett BurnsidePoints: 1117 Last Day: +56

Created sideburns, elevated facial hair to an Art.

Twice refused command of the Army of the Potomac.

Kicked ass for the greater glory of the Union.

Christopher Columbus19th
Christopher ColumbusPoints: 1117 Last Day: +51

Supposed New World Discoverer

Ushered in an era of oppression

Thought he was in: India

The King20th
The KingPoints: 1117 Last Day: +79

Slow Moving Check Avoider

Secret Power: Castling

Dirty Secret: Prefers Checkers

Bill Murray21st
Bill MurrayPoints: 1115 Last Day: +31

American Actor

Seminal Work: Osmosis Jones

Ghostbusters 3: In the works?

  Socrates22nd
SocratesPoints: 1115 Last Day: +70

Ancient Greek Philosopher

Found guilty of corrupting the youth of Athens

Sentenced to death by drinking Hemlock

Nikola  Tesla23rd
Nikola TeslaPoints: 1113 Last Day: +36

Serbian Inventor

Patron Saint of Modern Electricity

"The man who invented the twentieth century"

Henry Hudson24th
Henry HudsonPoints: 1111 Last Day: -36

English Explorer

Ship: Half Moon

Claimed: Hudson Bay, Hudson River

Michel de Montaigne25th
Michel de MontaignePoints: 1110 Last Day: +18

16th Century Essayist

Motto: What do I know?

What he Knows: Philosophy, Statecraft

David  Livingstone26th
David LivingstonePoints: 1109 Last Day: +6

Scottish Missionary and Explorer

First European to Victoria Falls

Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

Isaac Newton27th
Isaac NewtonPoints: 1108 Last Day: +30

Brilliant Brit

Laws of motion: 3

Locks: Flowing

George Washington28th
George WashingtonPoints: 1106 Last Day: +34

1st President of the United States

War inadvertantly started: French & Indian

War inadvertantly won: American Revolution

Leonardo da Vinci29th
Leonardo da VinciPoints: 1105 Last Day: +16

Renaissance Man

Notable work: Mona Lisa

Cleverly crafted: Shroud of Turin

John Quincy Adams30th
John Quincy AdamsPoints: 1104 Last Day: +27

6th U.S. President

Formulated the Monroe Doctrine

Molded Henry Clay into his Secretary of State

Muhammad Ali31st
Muhammad AliPoints: 1104 Last Day: +17

The Greatest of All-Time

KOs: 37

Birth name: Cassius Clay

Marlon Brando32nd
Marlon BrandoPoints: 1104 Last Day: +36

20th century's Finest Actor

Popularized: Stanislavski System

Seminal work: The Godfather

The Id33rd
The IdPoints: 1103 Last Day: +21

Instinctual Psychic Apparatus

Gratification: Immediate

Manning the Helm: Most of the Time

  Bacchus34th
BacchusPoints: 1102 Last Day: +53

God of Wine

Represented the benefits of intoxication

Greek name: Dionysus

  Herodotus35th
HerodotusPoints: 1102 Last Day: +81

The Father of History

Alternate moniker: The Father of Lies

Exclusively known for 'The Histories'

Thomas  Aquinas36th
Thomas AquinasPoints: 1101 Last Day: +0

The Good Doctor

Life Work: Summa Theologica... all in Latin!

Name back at the monastery: The Dumb Ox

Colossus of Rhodes37th
Colossus of RhodesPoints: 1099 Last Day: +16

Statuesque Wonder of the Ancient World

280 BC - 226 BC

Height: 70 Cubits

Albert Einstein38th
Albert EinsteinPoints: 1098 Last Day: +49

Physicist

Indispensible theory: Relativity

Regret: Atom bomb advocacy

Michelangelo39th
MichelangeloPoints: 1096 Last Day: -30

Renaissance Man

Finest opus: Sistine Chapel

Had a refined terribilita

  Odysseus40th
OdysseusPoints: 1096 Last Day: +13

Greek Champion

Adventure: Epic

Vice: Lotus

Saint  Augustine41st
Saint AugustinePoints: 1094 Last Day: +50

Bishop of Hippo, Philosopher, Prolific Writer

Had a taste for pears and women

Named after a city in Florida, or vice versa

Thomas Jefferson42nd
Thomas JeffersonPoints: 1094 Last Day: -16

3rd U.S President

Dreams: Agrarian State

Best purchase: Louisiana

Ferdinand Magellan43rd
Ferdinand MagellanPoints: 1094 Last Day: +47

Circumnavigator

Voyages: 5

Felled by: Filipino Natives

Lucky  Jim44th
Lucky JimPoints: 1093 Last Day: -56

Everyman Hero

Skill: Funny Faces

Battles: Merrie England, Drink

Jesus Christ45th
Jesus ChristPoints: 1092 Last Day: -5

Our Lord and Savior

Miracles: 12,875 and counting

Omnipresent

The Fool46th
The FoolPoints: 1092 Last Day: +31

Occultist Everyman

Arcana: Major

Known For: Folly, Extravagance, Intoxication

John  Malkovich47th
John MalkovichPoints: 1091 Last Day: +46

Malkovich Malkovich

Malkovich: Malkovich

Malkovich, Malkovich Malkovich?

Archimedes48th
ArchimedesPoints: 1089 Last Day: +36

Greek Mathematician

Eureka!

Notable invention: Archimedes' Screw

Richard P Feynman49th
Richard P FeynmanPoints: 1089 Last Day: -52

Curious Character

Nobel Prizes: 1

Location: Uncertain

Louis Pasteur50th
Louis PasteurPoints: 1088 Last Day: -80

Microbiologist

First vaccine: Rabies

Favorite drink: Milk